It won't always be like this....

Have been thinking a lot about heaven lately. The more I go through life, the more I realize that nothing here -- even the best, most beautiful things, satisfy us completely. You can have the most amazing husband, kids, friendships ---- but those people are going to let you down, not be there for you, ...and even if things are seemingly amazing, ...you still ache for more. Why? Because that's how God made us. Because there *is* more.... Because this is not our home, and these things and relationships weren't MEANT to satisfy us completely. (*this post may be a bit random, but it is 1:30 and I can't sleep...... also first time I've blogged in years ;) ) The other day, I was walking through Home Depot, getting some ideas for our upcoming (hopefully) house remodel. We are literally buying the ugliest house I have ever seen...inside and out. And I love transformations...before and afters...the process of making things new and beautiful again. But, as I was going through Home Depot...the Holy Spirit put *this* thought in my head as I was looking at all the "nice" things to redo our home with, and the thought was this : " The most beautiful, expensive things in this store are going to look like trash compared to heaven" . Seriously though..... We think granite countertop is nice...or "real stone" tile. But...imagine if they were selling pure gold flooring, or diamond tiles for the bathroom?! Heaven is going to be so amazing. But not just because of those things.... no. We will finally be fulfilled. Finally satisfied. Finally how we were meant to be. With Jesus. Face to face. Tears are clouding my eyes as I write it, because ....The more I go through this journey called life, and the more He proves Himself faithful as I walk with Him, the more of Him I want. And sometimes, it seems so far away....that day I will finally be with Him. Sometimes I get so frustrated by my own weakness and failures....my struggles. But it won't always be like this. :)

I miss blogging!

So I happened upon my blog this evening..... :) It has been over a year since I've even looked at it, sadly! But I loved reading through old posts, seeing how my life has changed, how God has grown me, and remembering things I had forgotten had happened. I hope to update it more and share struggles, more random thoughts, and just things that are going on in my everyday life!

(Jan 6, 2012)

It's one of those nights where sooooo much is on my heart and mind. Struggles, questions, frustrations, dissapointments...those are all the object of my restlessness. Wanting more...wanting to go deeper...wanting to be free from this...that is my desire.

Yes..I am facing a very real spiritual battle...a struggle with sin that I have never felt so real and close before.

Sin kind of creeps up on you. By that, I mean - I don't always see it as a 'big deal'. Like, thinking about myself more than others - thats not so bad, is it? (umm.. yes) But my mind and heart don't always make it that. And that's where the battle begins - taking your eyes off of WHO God is, and what He has done - and putting them onto yourself and your own desires. Your view of God defines you and how you act. So, by me viewing God as someone I can keep happy by reading a few verses here and there....well, a very wrong view of God puts you in a very real position to fall. And thats what happened.

So, looking back, when you let a little selfish heart fester for about a month - and you're not connecting yourself with friends who will tell you what you need to hear - and you're not in the Word or praying at all - and you're trying your hardest to not let people know that anything is wrong.... all of a sudden, you have a unhappy, selfish, miserable person, who is festering in sin....and the selfish heart has manifested itself in hurting relationships, and harboring other sinful thoughts and actions. Thoughts you would never dream you could think, things you never dreamed you would desire. Satan has a way of making things that never were appealing before, VERY appealing....and letting your mind trick you into thinking that you want it, and you should act on those thoughts.

Thankfully, being God's child - He will not put up with this. He HATES sin....




~~~~~
(Feb 24, 2012)

I decided to visit my blog again after months and months of ignoring it..., and love looking through the "drafts" that I never post, usually because I talk myself out of it. But this one I read and decided to put my thoughts from almost 2 months ago... because I need reminded of God's faithful love and promises.

"I will never leave you or forsake you"

"He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it"

(paraphrase) "God will not tempt you more than you can handle, but with the temptation will give a way to escape"

His promises are beautiful. And they are real. They are a comfort -- like a daddy wrapping his arms around his child, telling him that it's going to be okay. And looking back on how He keeps those promises - faithfully and lovingly - is a sweet comfort to the soul. Despite my unfaithful harlotry against God, He lovingly draws me back again and again.

With His grace and help, I am gaining victory over the struggle of which I posted above. Thank you, Jesus. Keep me close. Keep me ever loving you with my whole heart, and seeking Your Word like a precious treasure.

"Draw me close to You....never let me go"....

agh. So with all of Luke's medical stuff going on, I've been posting alot of updates on facebook. Decided today I'm going to stop doing that as much and just write about it on here when/if I feel the urge. (since hardly anyone knows this exists!) Honestly, It's all I ever update on facebook sometimes, and I tend to focus on the negative and don't want to do that! I appreciate people praying....and in more extreme cases NEED that so much....(okay, always need prayer - but you know what I mean!) but I already struggle with it being on my mind more than it should and posting for the world to see and get attention for it doesn't help. Focusing on my own problems/struggles/fears is not edifying to others or beneficial. I want to focus on the blessings in my life on a regular basis and how GOOD God is!! He is good in the hard times just as much as He is good in the abundant times!

September 11, 2001

(I wanted to write this yesterday but the day got away from me)

Yesterday marked 10 years since our nation was attacked on September 11, 2001.

I will never forget the details of that day. I was a tender age of 13, in the 8th grade, and at the time I journaled almost every day. So instead of giving my thoughts/memories, I am just going to type out mmy journal entries from Sept 11, snd the few days following.....


9/11/01, 9:30 am

I'm sitting here with an open mouth and wide eyes as I watch our nation being attacked. I can't put into words the grief I feel. I remember the words from the Bible - there will be wars and rumors of war. I'm afraid. All the flights are shut down in Columbus. Buildings are being evacuated everywhere. It's like a bad dream - although it's real. Horrible sights on TV. I'm in tears. Lord - save our country!

9/13/01

This is a tragic time in the history of our country. In New York- 2 hijacked planes purposely ran into the 2 towers of the World Trade Center. Eventually, after burning for an hour, they both collapsed, killing tens of thousand. New york City is still smokey, and looks like a war battlefield. 6-12 in piles of papers - peoples' personal records - are all over the ground. In DC, a hijacked plan crashed into the Pentagon, killing over 100. And then yet another hijacked plane was flying towards the white house, when they believe 3 people stood up to the terrorist in the plane, and instead of crashing into the White House, it crashed in a rural Pennsylvania area, not killing anyone on the ground. Tuesday was a day in History. Now they are talking about war. This is a terrific time for Christians to share their faith - people are searching for comfort, and we can show it!

9/15/01

This truly is a sad time in history. They say that the attack was the worst terrorist attack ever on American soil. All we've been watching is the news, and it is depressing. It's horrible scenes we see on the TV, showing what looks like a war zone. The talk of war grows more and more every day. Yesterday, President Bush declared a national day of prayer. Thousands around America prayed for our country. People are still searching for God, but they can't find Him - they don't know where to look - We can show them!
Yet, still 4 days after the attack, my heart still grieves. Thousands of people are hopeless! I'm still praying Lord! I'm reminded of the verse - The effectual fervant prayer of a righteous man avails much. I want them to know you too!
I'm so glad President Bush is a good leader! I can't put it into words the grief I felt all by myself at home, sick, watching this live! On Thursday night, there was a huge thunderstorm. I woke up, heard the loud booms and bright lights, and thought we were being attacked - It's that bad.
On Friday night, josh and Amalie came over... we did papers, played pictionary, then made fudge. While we were waiting for it to cool, we went upstairs, lit candles, turned out the lights and sang patriotic songs - like God bless America, and God bless the USA.
All the football games have been cancelled. People in NY city are still looking for survivors. God save our land!




There you have it - the attacks through the eyes of a 13 year old.
I hope we never forget....

My mind hasn't stopped reeling since we were at Children's Hospital earlier this week. Nothing major this time - a scheduled appt/consultation for a procedure Luke has to get done in a few weeks. But in the short time we were there, I had conversations with 3 parents. That was amazing to me, seeing as I only had 1 brief conversation with a parent the entire week we were staying at Children's earlier this year. (maybe that has to do with the 2 whole times I left the room that week....haha)

Anyways, the first conversation happened in the elevator up to the 6th floor. We literally stepped in the elevator with several other parents, and the second the doors closed this dad started talking.... "man, I am so tired. I have been here for 8 months." 8 months???? This guy proceeded to tell us all the things that were wrong with his daughter that was born 13 weeks premature. Endless surgeries, complications and lifelong issues that she will deal with..(she's blind, deaf ..I can remember those 2 specifically). This guy was talking SO fast, I could barely understand him - and I had to wonder how many times he has given that rundown to anyone that he can talk to. At first I wondered if he was saying it all just for sympathy - but after our 1 week stay (which seems so little comparatively) - I know this much - sometimes you just need to talk. It doesn't matter who is listening - when you spend all day consumed with fear for your child, and some nights you don't get any sleep or even step out of the hospital room for a few days in a row - you need conversation and support.

Conversations 2 and 3 happened in the waiting room for our appointment. I was sitting there with 2 other parents - who had babies all around the same age as Luke. We started talking about how old they were, and all the basic baby questions you ask moms with kids around the same age :) In the course of the conversation, I found out that one of the baby's was also 13 weeks premature - born at 1 lb, 2 ounces. The mom couldn't even begin to start telling me all the medical trauma they had been through, but kept saying how blessed she was that her daughter was okay. The other mom had a boy who had been born with webbed fingers - and she was telling us how having webbed fingers also comes along with heart problems and other internal defects. She was going through all of the Dr's. and specialist they had seen in the past 4 months.

I left the hospital with a heavy heart, because in a very small way, I understand these parents hearts, and the hurt and fear they face with having a sick child. I'm not trying to be overly dramatic here - because I have a very healthy, beautiful boy, and have in no way gone through anything close to what these parents have. But I can honestly say that at one point I wondered if my child was going to get better. I faced very real thoughts of losing him, and I remember very clearly how that felt. There is NOTHING more scary, more heart wrenching, or difficult than going through that with a child.

I know that God put us through that for a reason, too. And especially since Tuesdays visit, I have been praying that God will use those experiences in any way he can for His glory. I feel like Children's hospital is a HUGE mission field in a way....there are so many parents that LIVE in those tiny rooms, some hanging on every heartbeat of their child - not knowing what's going to happen - asking questions, "why is this happening to my family, my child?" So many of them that don't know Jesus - they don't have hope. Most probably don't have the support we felt during our short stay - (family, church, etc) I don't know exactly how, but I want to start some sort of ministry to families like this. Have no idea in what way - still praying about that. But I want to be used by God to reach people for Christ. Excited to see what He might open up in this way!

Sometimes I buzz through my day to busy with my own agenda to stop and notice the beautiful details in my life. To thank God for the little blessings He gives me each day. To bask in where He has put me right now. Isn't it too often that we get caught up in the "next thing" that we are anticipating? That life will be so much better when we just can get there?

Reflecting on today, there were so many beautiful moments, I could cry. God has blessed me so much. No, it wasn't an extrodinarily special day with out of the ordinary events happening. It was a normal monday: Get up, go to work, come home and Chris leaves for golf, get dinner ready and spend time with baby before he gets back home - that was my day. But I'm going to take a minute to reflect on some of the smaller details that made my day full of blessings.

~ I woke up with my sweet son beside me. We slept in, and I was late for work. But after 3 nights of getting up every few hours with him fussy/teething, it was the best nights sleep either of us had in awhile - and so Luke was in a super good mood. As I was frantically getting ready, Luke was just laying on the ground giggling, rolling around, moving, smiling and cooing at me.

~ I loved how people at work were so sweet and kind in how they treated Luke and I at work today. I wasn't planning on having to take Luke in with me, and was honestly a little paranoid that people would be annoyed by me taking my baby with me again. But every person that came up seemed so excited to see Luke - looked him in the eye, talked to him, told me how beautiful he was. I wasn't expecting that kindness - and was so thankful for it.

~I loved how when Luke got tired today while we were at work, he buried his sweet head into my shoulder, and fell asleep snuggling me.

~ I love every time I see Luke smile whenever he sees Chris. I also love seeing his eyes follow us when we leave or move around the room.

~Chris came to pick up Luke halfway through my work day, and he surprised me with my currrent fav fast food item. He is really sweet and thoughtful.

~ I loved coming home from work and seeing Luke and Chris taking a nap together.

~I loved making Luke giggle, and later hearing Chris make him laugh sooooo hard - a full belly laugh for a few minutes straight.

~I loved watching a movie with my small little family - baby asleep in my arms, hubby asleep on the floor, and me wide awake - :) typical :) :)


God is so good. I am able to say this even more strongly and with more conviction than ever - after a summer of uncertainties. I know He guides our steps and is in complete control. My prayer is that I am able to give each moment to Him and trust Him through the good times, and the painfully hard times.